As I looked up, I saw my mom watching me, and she looked me in the eye, saying, "Just love him the way he is."
I didn't realize how my anxiousness inside was so visible outside.
You, see, no matter how much I try to not worry, I still do.
I try so hard to live in the moment and be still, but yet anxiety still grips my heart over my little boy.
I still cry and, yes, worry, for his future.
I look at other babies on Facebook and I wished my little boy was them, not yet touched with this worlds sin.
I now know how other mothers must feel when their little ones are struggling with something, and how they must feel looking at other healthy children around them.
I hadn't realized how much I was torturing myself each time we went out in public.
You see, it was a fear that was growing inside me that someone would be staring at my child and see that he wasn't quite right.
At home, I didn't worry about any of these things.
At home I love and play with him, treating him like any normal baby...but when I went out with him, I had this worry come over me.
One time, a woman at the checkout counter, came up to talk with him, and then I kept seeing her watch us after, as we scanned our cart.
Was she watching Josiah, wondering what was wrong...or was this my anxiety of him causing me to be paranoid.
This is the hardest part of having a child that has some special needs right now.
I have to come to terms with Gods answered prayers and some still yet unanswered.
Josiah isn't completely healed yet..Josiah will have some obstacles he may face.
But then I remember my aunt, who lost her baby boy after just a few days.
I bet she would be just happy to have him in her arms today, irregardless of obstacles they may face in the future.
I need to remind myself of that prayer I said in nicu and told the doctors, "I don't care what we face in the future, all I want to know is, will he come home? Will he make it?"
Jehovah heard my prayer and brought him home.
Sometimes we don't get our prayers answered exactly like we want them.
Josiah is already doing things more then expected.
Josiah is a happy but mostly grumpy little baby that is happy in his own little world.
He doesn't know any different.
God may answer my prayer in the future and Josiah may be completely healed..but it will be a new journey to get there.
I guess God has a plan for this path in our lives.
I just have to teach myself, as time goes on, to love him and play with him in public as much as I do at home, not worrying about what others may think of him.
I am only tearing myself apart over it.
Praise God, instead, that my little boy made it through and is home with no more wires/monitors.
Praise God, instead, that he no longer needs seizure medication.
Praise God, instead, that he can smile now.
Praise God, instead, that he can eat a bottle without an ng tube.
Praise, God, instead, I have him home.
God knows the bigger picture and I just have to remember that.
God WILL take care of us.
"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future