First off, I use my blogs as a way to show the world that Christianity isnt always rainbows and sunshine.
Life isnt always perfect...in fact it gets a whole lot harder when you decide to commit your life to Christ.
Life is messy...and you will fall a few times.
Its a whole new life change..but well worth it.
God continually is working on me..trying to perfect what I keep messing up.
The potter trying to fix the clay..
When you go through a journey such as I have in the last year, you sing praises and you also cry out in sadness.
Your heart aches and you feel lost a lot of times.
There is an array of emotions that can go through you.
I want to admit I was humbled a good bit this past week.
I was angry...and honestly, in my heart, I knew it was devil trying to stir up emotions inside me of bitterness..when that is the complete opposite of Christ.
It honestly was a silly thing, because I know now many people have been praying for Josiah...but at the time, when tragedy struck yet again..I felt alone.
Yes, I had my family...but the first two weeks of Josiah's infantile spasms..feelings started to sift into my mind that a lot of people didn't really care because I didnt hear from that many people.
I know honestly, that isn't truth..but I am admitting my fault and also warning others that may go through tragedy..that the devil is very good..even in trying to put those kind of silly thoughts in your head.
My mother reminded me that people mourn differently..and people try to respect that, to give you space.
Not everyone is like me, who looks for comfort all around versus mourning alone.
I felt like God had forgotten me among others.
I prayed and prayed..but things kept happening..my son kept seizing..and we were struggling so badly.
I tried to take things into my own hands..nothing changed..only more bitterness.
I prayed and prayed..and God started speaking to me..telling me to stop and trust, to not be so bitter....and FINALLY did, after a great battle of tug of war, where I was the one doing all the tugging.
I wasn't praying enough...
Then the flood gates opened..people I hadnt even seen in quite awhile, reached out with letters/emails/in person.
God humbled me.
I guess what I am trying to say is that in tragedy, try to consider all the options..try to pray for understanding..instead of letting thoughts of bitterness or anger seep in.
Your not as alone as you feel like you are.
There are people out there praying for you..I promise!
When you mourn, so many different emotions go through you...anger being one of them.
Just dont let it camp out with you..let it stop for a visit but keep on going.
God is with you...ALWAYS
Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.