This is what it feels like to lose someone..each day seems like you are literally just trying to survive, and make it through.
The drifting off of sleep, bringing rest on a weary body and mind.
The loss of someone is palpable in your everyday experience.
Everywhere I look, I see my husband. ...
From grocery stores, to roads travelled, to food shared..
I made something the other day, and my first immediate thought was how Seth would have liked this.
He was my faithful guinea pig, trying everything I put in front of him no matter how weird it sounded.
I glance at my phone, waiting for a text from him that will never come.
We were apart when he passed away, but he always sent me texts, asking me how I was doing and how Jojo was doing..it was really hard being apart from him..but somehow just a text was enough.
I had prayed night and day for him..prayed he would get better and come home.
I never dreamed that this would be the ending to our story..for now.
It is the promise and hope that one day soon I will see him again, no longer sick, that keeps me moving a foot in front of the other.
I found a note he left me, the day of his memorial..the note sitting on my computer for 2 months..and when I clicked on it, planning to erase whatever it was and write something new..and it started out Jill,...
I had struggled the night before with God, asking why? Why didn't Seth leave me with anything?
If he said he loved me so much..why did he leave me grasping with nothing...but he did.
He did write me something 2 months prior..He was tired of running, tired of fighting mental illness.
He wanted peace.
It wasn't the right way, but for him, it was the answer.
He left behind children that needed him.
But for Seth, he couldn't grasp that concept..because he just was too broken.
This world is a hard place..trust me..the year I have been through between Josiah battling meningitis, then epilepsy..now my husband..in a year..yeah..this world is a hard place.
BUT I will not stop singing Gods praises, that even amidst this nightmare, God still has provided.
I have become close to Seths family and that in itself is a beautiful thing for me.
Seth will live on through his children and I will make sure to do all that Seth wanted to do to help others.
I know, through this, God will have something good come out of it.
He always does.
For God is in the business of saving..not for this world but for eternity.