Just as I was drifting off to sleep, my phone started to ring.
I saw my husbands name light the screen, and I reached over and hit mute.
I punched in that I was trying to sleep...and the message came back that it was important.
It was at that moment, my life changed forever.
The person on the other line telling me my husband was gone...he had taken his life.
Since then, there have been many phone calls and messages, people trying to figure out what could have happened, what could have prevented..why?
You see, the day my husband passed, my husband was no longer there anymore.
The Seth I knew, that I had married and said my vows to, had started to disappear last fall.
It was then that I began to lose my best friend,husband,and father to our son.
He had struggled his whole life and was beaten down so much during our marriage,trying to get ahead,but no matter what, couldnt.
Job after job, he struggled..so desperately wanting to help take care of his family..and he couldnt.
It was so hard on him because he loved us so much.
I know that..I do know that he loved Jojo and I deeply.
We had our highs and lows, but he was always faithful.
The day the doctor put him on paxil...was the day my husband started to drift away.
Seth and I had told them that it didn't help before, but they were insistent for him to try it.
Just looking at his facebook wall, I can see the difference from then to now.
The man I had versus the man that had changed so much.
Within weeks of going on paxil, his behavior changed and he started doing things he vowed he would never do again.
This is when I had no choice but to separate..and I was heart broken.
Within 7 months of going on paxil..my husband was gone.
He loved God so much..so many memories of times we had together doing Gods work as literature evangelists.
A late afternoon, one time, we sat around a group of people outside, talking of life, sharing the books. He was so happy then...
He loved telling them all about our garden, our son..those memories I will always hold close.
Another, a man crying in the elevator at childrens..I didn't see him crying as I was happily sharing some type of good news to my mom..but Seth did..and ask him if he was ok.
It was then the man shared his son was just diagnosed with bone cancer..only a few years old.
Seth shared some tracts with him and asked if we could pray with him..
Another time, an elderly woman insisted she didn't want to pray..but he asked was it ok if he prayed instead for her, even though she didn't want to..which she said that was fine.
As he prayed, I saw her close her eyes..sorrow masking her face, the defiance earlier, gone.
Before he left, he gave her his card, telling her if she ever needed anything, to call him.
I know God used Seth in a mighty mighty way those months he got to do work for Him.
That was the Seth I knew and loved so deeply.
The Seth that was so passionate about Christ and sharing it to others.
The enemy is working hard because I believe he knows the time is short.
I praise God that it is, because I am ready to go home.
I am ready to see our son healthy again,able to walk, laugh,and hold his hands out to his daddy.
To see Seth smiling that smile, free from mental illness and burdens...a joy only we can have through Christ.
For Seths next time he will see Jojo, it will be to see Jojo all better..not disabled anymore.
It had broke his heart so much to see our son struggle.
I cant wait to see that day..
Seth loved God..He did..and in his last weeks he asked me to pray for him even amidst the darkness..and I had been nonstop.
God knew Seths heart and He knew Seths struggle..and He knew what Paxil did to him..so I know Seth is in good hands with Christ.
He is at rest now until the day our Father comes to bring us home..he has no more cares or burdens heavy on his shoulders..and this helps to give me peace.
I believe deeply I will see my husband again soon.
“For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:”
1 Thessalonians 4:16
And I heard a voice from heaven saying, “Write this: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.” “Blessed indeed,” says the Spirit, “that they may rest from their labors, for their deeds follow them!”